Wishy Washy.. Adrift on the Waves of Life

So here I am.. 40 this year. When I was 16, 40 sounded ancient. Now that I'm 40, it doesn't seem that old at all. In some respects I fell wiser than I was at 16, in others.. well.. not so much! It's hard not to think that at 40, I've lived more than half of my life. My mother died when she was 24 and her sister who raised me died at 61. As to the other females in my family..I've lost touch with all of them so who knows. I'm at a point in my life where I have decisions to make that will take me further down this road called life. In so many respects I'm in my happy place. I have a husband who adores me and for all intents and purposes is the person I've gotten closer to than anyone in my entire life. He knows me inside and out and loves me anyway. We've shared much.. good and bad in the almost 13 years we've been together. One of us hurts and the other feels it to the bottom of their soul. We are.. as some would say.. soul mates through and through. He gets me.. which is amazing to me since some days I just dont' get myself.

I have a 16 year old daughter, Katie.. yeah.. she's incredible! I love her with a love that I never would have thought possible. I may be a bit biased but man I am blessed to have her in my life. There are days when we drive each other crazy and days that we're just plain crazy together. I love that girl though! I look at her and wonder how I ever made anything so exquisite as she is. She is so beautiful and smart. She also has picked up Reese's wit and sense of humor! I haven't decided whether that is a blessing or a curse. All I can say is that I am already praying for the guy who marries my girl. He's going to need all the help he can get! He will also be the luckiest guy on the planet to have a girl with such a big heart, such contagious laughter and such pretty blue eyes.

That truly is my life in a nutshell. I believe in God, believe that Jesus died for my sins and want to crawl under a rock when I think about the fact that He loves me still. I am totally undeserving but thankful. I'm kind of adrift at this point as to what my purpose here on Earth is at the moment. Up until June this year, I taught preschool. For so many years after high school I worked office jobs and while I enjoyed them, I wasn't joyful in them. Teaching is my passion! To have positive influence in the life of a child is such an amazing feeling. Seeing how they influence my life so positively is even better. That said, I knew at the end of last year that the place I was teaching was no longer a good fit for me. I want to teach so badly that there are times when it physically hurts to not be. It feels like a part of me is missing to be honest. I'm sure that sounds crazy to some but if you've ever given up a dream.. you know what I'm talking about.

So for right now, I'm drifting and not really liking it very much. It gives me too much time to dwell on things.. like making a blog to get these voices out of my head and onto the screen. What you'll find here is likely to be random thoughts. I'm sure they'll include a whole range of emotion. I'm not even sure anyone will read it but it makes me feel better to have it out of my head and into the land of black and white (or whatever color it ends up being!) I'm not going to re-read before I post so some of it might even just be the mumble jumble that rolls around in my mind lately. I'm sure Dr. Phil would have a field day with the likes of me. I'd prefer he not though.. that man is scary!!