I Am A Runner...



I'm going to tell you something that I think will shock you all! Both for what you are going to think I mean and again for what I actually mean!

 

I am a runner!

 

Yup.. that's right! A runner! I know that right now you're sitting there thinking of me and my well-endowedness thinking.. wow.. I wonder who makes THAT miracle sport bra! Seriously.. before you spend way too much time thinking about that.. I'll save you the mental picture and tell you that you're wrong!

 

What does your mind conjure up when I put it this way.. I am a run away from life when it gets too hard runner. It's very sad.. but unfortunately also very true. When things get tough or don't go my way, I want to run away as fast and furiously as I can. I've lost relationships, friends, jobs, family and so much more by running.

 

I've lost precious time with people who love me. Some of them, in the case of my aunt that raised me, I'll never be able to get back. In 1999, my brother got into some serious legal trouble, my marriage was struggling, I was a fairly new mom and it all just got to be too much so I took Katie and I ran.

 

I met Reese during this time of running and Katie and I moved from NH to FL to be with him. It worked for me, I was still running. Shortly after we got to FL I realized that I'd run out of the frying pan and into the fire. Reese was seperated from his wife and we got into a huge legal battle with his ex-wife over being able to spend time with his kids. During this time, he lost his job of 10+ years.

 

Life got hard.  

 

Reese got a new job in Seattle. Neither of us had ever been there, we didn't know a soul but it was OK because once again, I was running. We settled in Seattle and had a pretty good run there. We had the best friends we've ever had who, to this day, we miss with an ache in our hearts to return to. As in all things in life, though, things weren't always easy. We were renting as it was too expensive to buy and from all the running, our credit wasn't great. Renting meant that Katie started a new school almost every year. It seemed she'd make friends at school, leave for the summer and never see them again. I couldn't seem to settle into a job that I was satisfied with. Reese and I were both making good money and were able to have the things we wanted and take trips.

 

It was hard being so far away from Katie's dad and his family though. Katie missed them terribly. Reese missed his kids even though his son had basically ceased all communication with us. They were all back in Florida. We got a call one evening that Reese's son had been in a terrible car accident and they didn't know if he was expected to live. Reese and I flew to FL to spend a week and do what we could to help. It was during that time that we took some serious time to think about the fact that we were so far away from Reese's kids and Katie's dad and family. At about the same time a position opened up at Reese's company in FL and if he wanted to transfer all he had to do was ask. Thinking it was best for all of us, we packed up everything we owned and again moved across the country (still several hours away from our FL family but within driving distance) to a place we'd never been and knew noone. It was a new adventure and once again I was running.

 

Our move to FL didn't stop my running. In Seattle, we were surrounded constantly by our church family and friends. Many of whom I refer to as framily because they truly are more family thank friends.. a sweet combination of both even though God didn't see fit to bless us with the same genes. In this new place we missed them and it became easy to slip to listen to other voices in your head that had nothing to do with God.

 

We finally found a new church family and became entrenched in it. We became so involved, it basically consumed us. Reese headed up the praise team and had really stepped out in faith to use his gift of voice and guitar to praise God. I was involved in VBS, Womens Ministry, Kids Choir, I taught Sunday School, worked in the Clothes Pantry. I was a servant and I loved it. If there was an opportunity to serve, Reese and I wanted to be there to help.

 

Until the day I got a phone call saying that because I occassionally drink an "adult beverage" there had been discussion among the church that I should not be allowed to teach the youth Sunday School class. I was also later advised that there had been a rumor that when Reese and I had hosted the Praise Team at our home for a bonfire that we'd served alcohol to minors. To this day I do not know who made the accusation. It was not true. I asked to confront the accuser and was told no. I don't even know how to describe the hurt I felt. I protected myself publicly with anger but inside I was a mess. These were people who I loved dearly and I thought loved me back.. just the way I was. Our time at the church came to a bitter end. There were just a couple friendships that were salvaged. For that I am very thankful.

 

I think I ran faster and farther than ever before that time when it got hard. Only we owned a house now, Reese had a job to consider. So instead I ran from God.. who was not to blame but I was getting nowhere blaming anyone else either. I ran from friends who had stuck with me through thick and thin. I ran from the thought of ever having anything to do with a church again. If that was what church was.. I wasn't interested. In the midst of running from God you begin to lose your identity in Him. When that happens you open yourself up to those voices in your head that tell you everything God never would. Doubt creeps in followed shortly thereafter by selfishness and his big brother bitterness.

 

It's been a rough couple of years. I've made some pretty damaging decisions during that time. Cut out some people in my life that for years I couldn't imagine going a day without talking to them. It started with a missed phone call because you just don't feel up to talking.. and then it turns to months.. and then years. In so many ways I'm still running from things that happened years ago now.

 

Life is honestly the pits right now. I'm not really sure how to get back on track. For the last 3 years I had a job that I LOVED! I gave it up.. I suppose as part of my running away when things get hard. I was faced with a decision to do the right thing or let things go even though I knew they were not the right thing. I apologize for not being more forthcoming with details but suffice to say someone that I worked with said some things about me that were not true and very hurtful and I'd prefer to just leave it at that. I know the truth, the people who were there know the truth and God knows the truth. If there are others who believe the things she says.. I can't help that. I can just be me and hope that those that know me would know better.

 

Anyway..the reason I'm rambling on about all this running is that I'm feeling overwhelmed. I have too much free time on my hands and too many voices in my head. So I'm trying to get back on track and stick my feet in some quicksand and smarten up! If I've learned anything through all this running it's that the biggest thing I'm running from follows me everywhere I run.. it's me. I've often imagined saying all this to a psychiatrist and having them babble something about me losing my mother as a baby and feeling abandoned and so I run. For a large period during my teens I thought that I always ran as a way to hurt other people before they had a chance to hurt me.

 

We've started back to church.. one where the Pastor tells us that all are welcome and that we're loved just the way we are. I have those nagging voices that taunt and say.. yeah right.. until you do something they don't like. I have been spending quite a bit of time reading my Bible, Christian books and listening to Christian music and most of all praying. I've started this lovely blog so I can get the feelings out of my head and try to make some sense of them. I figure if I'm going to run anyway, I should run toward God instead of away. We are in some trying times in our country.. when chaos hits, I want to be able to hear the God voice in my head above all others. I can't say that I won't stumble and I know there are sure to be lots of hurdles in the way but I'm ready to duct tape my chest to avoid black eyes and "run with perseverance the race marked out for us, ² fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith." ~Hebrews 12

 

OK.. I hope this makes sense.. I'm going to just post with no read through because I'm afraid if I do that I won't post it and it's something that's needed to be put out there for a long time so here goes nothing..

Cloud Art :)

I didn't see this cloud myself but thought it was very cool! :)
What do you think it looks like?

Reese and I took a walk downtown Milton on Saturday night. It was a beautiful night with the first hint of fall. I looked up at the clouds and as is habit for me and tried to find one that resembled something. I pointed to a cloud and asked Reese if it looked like anything to him. He promptly told me that it looked like.. a cloud! I rolled my eyes and told him I thought it looked like an airplane and pointed out all the curves and areas that made up different parts of the plane. He said he could see it after I pointed it out.. but I'm not so sure he wasn't humoring me! :) Reese doesn't ever look at the clouds as anything other than clouds. I, on the other hand, never look at the clouds without finding things that they resemble.

Since I was writing about cloud shapes, I wanted to give you some examples! This is a very short piece with some amazing cloud shapes and exactly what I'm talking about! 10 Amazing Cloud Shapes

I got to thinking this morning about those clouds. Sometimes they're super puffy, sometimes really, really tall, sometimes they're just barely slight wisps of white against the blue of the sky, sometimes they're very dark and angry and sometimes, as the sun is rising or setting, they can look like they're on fire! When that happens they just become the most brilliant reds, oranges, pinks and yellows you've ever seen.

We look up at the clouds and we see such a limited view of the big picture. God doesn't! He is high above them! I thought, wouldn't it be so cool to get to Heaven and realize that all those clouds come together in beautiful works of art when you look at them from so high above? What if those sunsets we see are just a small portion of God's sky canvas?

Not to say that God flies cloud airplanes through the sky but how many times have you looked up and thought.. wow.. those clouds look like angels wings, look over there.. that cloud looks like a heart! I've seen photos of clouds that resembled lots of things. Thinking about God looking down from above and using the sky as a big, beautiful canvas just makes me happy! The next time you're down below.. looking up.. try to imagine it! It's pretty awe inspiring! :)

I'm Totally OK With That! :)

OK.. so remember when I warned you that you may not like all the things I have to say here? Yeah.. it probably starts here and now for some of you! Again, I don't mean to be offensive to anyone but there are times when stuff floating in my mind just gets overwhelming and I need to vent. I ask that if you find me offensive.. just don't read the blog! It's OK.. really! :)

 

I find myself increasingly discouraged with the upcoming election. I've not agreed with many of Obama's policies since he was a candidate in the 2008 election. Due to my lack of love for Obama, I've been accused of being racist. That's OK with me. None of those that have considered me to be racist have ever asked WHY I don't agree with his policies. To me, their accusation is unfounded and I don't give it much weight. Besides, I don't agree with Nancy Pelosi and Joe Biden either.. and the last I checked they're both white!

 

 

Obama was elected and I've been so disappointed to see where he's gotten our country in his first term. He is quick to take credit for ANY positive thing that happens (ie; Usama Bin Laden being killed) but also just as quick to NOT take any responsibility for anything negative that has happened (ie; unemployment numbers, Obamacare, Fast and Furious, huge increase in our deficit, no budget passed, etc.. ) I DO NOT believe that we will be in better shape at the end of a second term if he is re-elected. My vote for Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan will be one of hope that things will get better in the next 4 years. While I don't agree with every idea they have, I find I can more align their platform to things that are important to me.

 

So that's where I stand on the election. I'm pretty vocal about it in person and on my Facebook. I've seen some pictures like the following posted the past couple days and it kind of boils my blood. I had one friend post that he'd deleted several friends because they were posting on political topics and he didn't like it. He was tired of hearing about the election and didn't care. Really? In my opinion, we should ALL care what happens in this election. We all NEED to care what happens! The results of this election are going to have far-reaching consequences.. one way or the other. Those consequences will affect ALL OF US! Whether you're a young mother, a soldier in our military, an older American, a business owner, a welfare recipient.. ALL OF US!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You know who irritates me? Not those who post their political views. Not even those who support Obama to their core and post those views. I am most disappointed with those that just don't care what happens in this election. I have my viewpoint but I listen to and consider ALL other views. I may not agree with them but I find that when I actually listen, I learn something about both sides. I guess if someone feels they need to unfriend another for their political views, I'd have to question the value of that friendship to begin with. You might not like me anymore after the election because of my political views? What ever happened to you have your opinion and I have mine.. and we can agree to disagree? Since when do we only LIKE people who share our views? I can be pretty opinionated. I know this! I can also be pretty tolerant of the views of others. I actually appreciate the fact that you HAVE a view! I'd much prefer you to have a view (even opposed to mine!) than to be lukewarm about every topic and have no opinion!

 

So long story short, I'm pretty passionate about this upcoming election. Believe it or not, I DO pick and choose what I post on my Facebook page about politics! It's a pretty safe bet, though, that up to the election and beyond.. there will likely be posts about politics and LOTS of other stuff! If anyone feels the need to unfriend me or change my setting to show Only Important Posts, I want you to know that I'm totally OK with that! Please, please, please though.. CARE about this election! Listen to both sides and make an educated decision.. whichever side you choose.

 

 



 

Wishy Washy.. Adrift on the Waves of Life

So here I am.. 40 this year. When I was 16, 40 sounded ancient. Now that I'm 40, it doesn't seem that old at all. In some respects I fell wiser than I was at 16, in others.. well.. not so much! It's hard not to think that at 40, I've lived more than half of my life. My mother died when she was 24 and her sister who raised me died at 61. As to the other females in my family..I've lost touch with all of them so who knows. I'm at a point in my life where I have decisions to make that will take me further down this road called life. In so many respects I'm in my happy place. I have a husband who adores me and for all intents and purposes is the person I've gotten closer to than anyone in my entire life. He knows me inside and out and loves me anyway. We've shared much.. good and bad in the almost 13 years we've been together. One of us hurts and the other feels it to the bottom of their soul. We are.. as some would say.. soul mates through and through. He gets me.. which is amazing to me since some days I just dont' get myself.

I have a 16 year old daughter, Katie.. yeah.. she's incredible! I love her with a love that I never would have thought possible. I may be a bit biased but man I am blessed to have her in my life. There are days when we drive each other crazy and days that we're just plain crazy together. I love that girl though! I look at her and wonder how I ever made anything so exquisite as she is. She is so beautiful and smart. She also has picked up Reese's wit and sense of humor! I haven't decided whether that is a blessing or a curse. All I can say is that I am already praying for the guy who marries my girl. He's going to need all the help he can get! He will also be the luckiest guy on the planet to have a girl with such a big heart, such contagious laughter and such pretty blue eyes.

That truly is my life in a nutshell. I believe in God, believe that Jesus died for my sins and want to crawl under a rock when I think about the fact that He loves me still. I am totally undeserving but thankful. I'm kind of adrift at this point as to what my purpose here on Earth is at the moment. Up until June this year, I taught preschool. For so many years after high school I worked office jobs and while I enjoyed them, I wasn't joyful in them. Teaching is my passion! To have positive influence in the life of a child is such an amazing feeling. Seeing how they influence my life so positively is even better. That said, I knew at the end of last year that the place I was teaching was no longer a good fit for me. I want to teach so badly that there are times when it physically hurts to not be. It feels like a part of me is missing to be honest. I'm sure that sounds crazy to some but if you've ever given up a dream.. you know what I'm talking about.

So for right now, I'm drifting and not really liking it very much. It gives me too much time to dwell on things.. like making a blog to get these voices out of my head and onto the screen. What you'll find here is likely to be random thoughts. I'm sure they'll include a whole range of emotion. I'm not even sure anyone will read it but it makes me feel better to have it out of my head and into the land of black and white (or whatever color it ends up being!) I'm not going to re-read before I post so some of it might even just be the mumble jumble that rolls around in my mind lately. I'm sure Dr. Phil would have a field day with the likes of me. I'd prefer he not though.. that man is scary!!