I Am A Runner...



I'm going to tell you something that I think will shock you all! Both for what you are going to think I mean and again for what I actually mean!

 

I am a runner!

 

Yup.. that's right! A runner! I know that right now you're sitting there thinking of me and my well-endowedness thinking.. wow.. I wonder who makes THAT miracle sport bra! Seriously.. before you spend way too much time thinking about that.. I'll save you the mental picture and tell you that you're wrong!

 

What does your mind conjure up when I put it this way.. I am a run away from life when it gets too hard runner. It's very sad.. but unfortunately also very true. When things get tough or don't go my way, I want to run away as fast and furiously as I can. I've lost relationships, friends, jobs, family and so much more by running.

 

I've lost precious time with people who love me. Some of them, in the case of my aunt that raised me, I'll never be able to get back. In 1999, my brother got into some serious legal trouble, my marriage was struggling, I was a fairly new mom and it all just got to be too much so I took Katie and I ran.

 

I met Reese during this time of running and Katie and I moved from NH to FL to be with him. It worked for me, I was still running. Shortly after we got to FL I realized that I'd run out of the frying pan and into the fire. Reese was seperated from his wife and we got into a huge legal battle with his ex-wife over being able to spend time with his kids. During this time, he lost his job of 10+ years.

 

Life got hard.  

 

Reese got a new job in Seattle. Neither of us had ever been there, we didn't know a soul but it was OK because once again, I was running. We settled in Seattle and had a pretty good run there. We had the best friends we've ever had who, to this day, we miss with an ache in our hearts to return to. As in all things in life, though, things weren't always easy. We were renting as it was too expensive to buy and from all the running, our credit wasn't great. Renting meant that Katie started a new school almost every year. It seemed she'd make friends at school, leave for the summer and never see them again. I couldn't seem to settle into a job that I was satisfied with. Reese and I were both making good money and were able to have the things we wanted and take trips.

 

It was hard being so far away from Katie's dad and his family though. Katie missed them terribly. Reese missed his kids even though his son had basically ceased all communication with us. They were all back in Florida. We got a call one evening that Reese's son had been in a terrible car accident and they didn't know if he was expected to live. Reese and I flew to FL to spend a week and do what we could to help. It was during that time that we took some serious time to think about the fact that we were so far away from Reese's kids and Katie's dad and family. At about the same time a position opened up at Reese's company in FL and if he wanted to transfer all he had to do was ask. Thinking it was best for all of us, we packed up everything we owned and again moved across the country (still several hours away from our FL family but within driving distance) to a place we'd never been and knew noone. It was a new adventure and once again I was running.

 

Our move to FL didn't stop my running. In Seattle, we were surrounded constantly by our church family and friends. Many of whom I refer to as framily because they truly are more family thank friends.. a sweet combination of both even though God didn't see fit to bless us with the same genes. In this new place we missed them and it became easy to slip to listen to other voices in your head that had nothing to do with God.

 

We finally found a new church family and became entrenched in it. We became so involved, it basically consumed us. Reese headed up the praise team and had really stepped out in faith to use his gift of voice and guitar to praise God. I was involved in VBS, Womens Ministry, Kids Choir, I taught Sunday School, worked in the Clothes Pantry. I was a servant and I loved it. If there was an opportunity to serve, Reese and I wanted to be there to help.

 

Until the day I got a phone call saying that because I occassionally drink an "adult beverage" there had been discussion among the church that I should not be allowed to teach the youth Sunday School class. I was also later advised that there had been a rumor that when Reese and I had hosted the Praise Team at our home for a bonfire that we'd served alcohol to minors. To this day I do not know who made the accusation. It was not true. I asked to confront the accuser and was told no. I don't even know how to describe the hurt I felt. I protected myself publicly with anger but inside I was a mess. These were people who I loved dearly and I thought loved me back.. just the way I was. Our time at the church came to a bitter end. There were just a couple friendships that were salvaged. For that I am very thankful.

 

I think I ran faster and farther than ever before that time when it got hard. Only we owned a house now, Reese had a job to consider. So instead I ran from God.. who was not to blame but I was getting nowhere blaming anyone else either. I ran from friends who had stuck with me through thick and thin. I ran from the thought of ever having anything to do with a church again. If that was what church was.. I wasn't interested. In the midst of running from God you begin to lose your identity in Him. When that happens you open yourself up to those voices in your head that tell you everything God never would. Doubt creeps in followed shortly thereafter by selfishness and his big brother bitterness.

 

It's been a rough couple of years. I've made some pretty damaging decisions during that time. Cut out some people in my life that for years I couldn't imagine going a day without talking to them. It started with a missed phone call because you just don't feel up to talking.. and then it turns to months.. and then years. In so many ways I'm still running from things that happened years ago now.

 

Life is honestly the pits right now. I'm not really sure how to get back on track. For the last 3 years I had a job that I LOVED! I gave it up.. I suppose as part of my running away when things get hard. I was faced with a decision to do the right thing or let things go even though I knew they were not the right thing. I apologize for not being more forthcoming with details but suffice to say someone that I worked with said some things about me that were not true and very hurtful and I'd prefer to just leave it at that. I know the truth, the people who were there know the truth and God knows the truth. If there are others who believe the things she says.. I can't help that. I can just be me and hope that those that know me would know better.

 

Anyway..the reason I'm rambling on about all this running is that I'm feeling overwhelmed. I have too much free time on my hands and too many voices in my head. So I'm trying to get back on track and stick my feet in some quicksand and smarten up! If I've learned anything through all this running it's that the biggest thing I'm running from follows me everywhere I run.. it's me. I've often imagined saying all this to a psychiatrist and having them babble something about me losing my mother as a baby and feeling abandoned and so I run. For a large period during my teens I thought that I always ran as a way to hurt other people before they had a chance to hurt me.

 

We've started back to church.. one where the Pastor tells us that all are welcome and that we're loved just the way we are. I have those nagging voices that taunt and say.. yeah right.. until you do something they don't like. I have been spending quite a bit of time reading my Bible, Christian books and listening to Christian music and most of all praying. I've started this lovely blog so I can get the feelings out of my head and try to make some sense of them. I figure if I'm going to run anyway, I should run toward God instead of away. We are in some trying times in our country.. when chaos hits, I want to be able to hear the God voice in my head above all others. I can't say that I won't stumble and I know there are sure to be lots of hurdles in the way but I'm ready to duct tape my chest to avoid black eyes and "run with perseverance the race marked out for us, ² fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith." ~Hebrews 12

 

OK.. I hope this makes sense.. I'm going to just post with no read through because I'm afraid if I do that I won't post it and it's something that's needed to be put out there for a long time so here goes nothing..